Leap-frog, leap-ouch.

Now that was a battle!

Well, except for the really dark part at the end where I was all alone, and everything hurt, and the dwarf kids were making fun of my cave blindness again. I didn't like that part, but that furry cleric woke me up with that wand (1) and it got better. The only downside is there weren't any more meat bags for me to practice smacking with my hammer (2) at that point :(

It started out with this really boring hike up to some giant-sized Giants hurling boulders down at the army. I went along with this motely band of (as rumor has it) heroes because I alone in my squadron was cool enough to have a potion of invisibility on hand. (3) So we hustled up that hill to smack 'em around a bit.

I knew we were off to fight some giants, so I was practicing this move I call the "Suck my Cookie Jar, Bitch" (4) I got to use that a few times, and those ugly, tall, cookie-eating bastards sure did learn to fear my hammer. And my ups!

After that we had to hustle over to this fortified fall-back position where a part of the invading army was supposed to be heading towards. We had a few minutes while I got there and I thought about some of my other moves I could use during the next battle. Just as I finished mentally reviewing them, along came a band of nothrog all up in our face and shit.

So there I was in the front line, standing right behind this 4 foot barrier (5). I was all "whack whack" and "smack smack". Next to me was that furry cleric, magically enlarged and slamming his greatsword around like nobody's business. I have to say, I gained a few bits of respect for that honey-eating hulk of a worshipper as he really put the fear of god into the nothrog. (6)

Speaking of that band of heroes, they seemed to hold up pretty good.

Besides that cleric, there was this tiny little skulking fella who'd occaisionally pop into battle to stab people in the back. Not exactly my cup of tea but it seemed to do the trick. And there was this frail-looking magicky type who wasn't much on the fireballs (unlike every other magic type I've seen) but he sure did boost my reflexes with a spell of his and I caught a nasty looking pair of flaming arrows dropping another magicky-type nothrog. And there was this chick who was all into cat-fighting for her god (7) with the slapping and the smacking of her bare hands. I think her god liked her, because she slapped pretty hard.

After gutting some nothrog and a few overgrown puppies and their owners (8) -- including one stupid enough to try to jump over us (unlike that barrier, we can't be so easily ignored) -- we finally met some real foes. It was the giants again, except surrounded in full metal armor like a smelly twinkie (9).

The furry cleric had taken a pretty good beating and had backed off from the barrier in order (I am guessing) to try to heal himself. Why he bothered backing up I'm not sure, the stupid peons just kept going after him. I was doing pretty good myself, avoiding blows from the plate-armored giants and whacking and smacking like it was my birthday (10).

And then I think I fell asleep. I just remember catching this really big gleaming axe head coming for my head, out of the corner of my eye. I got my shield up in time to keep my head but I think the edge of my shield connected right with my temple. At least, that's the last thing I remember and my helmet has this shield-edge shaped dent in it.

So here I am. I think we're far away from the city, and there's this magicky looking fellow who the band I was with seems to know.

-Durthy

(1) I like that wand! Except it's kinda slow. But I sure had plenty of time to watch my wounds stitch themselves up as we jogged from battle to battle. Hehe, I totally stuck a "good for a flagon later" silver piece in this really nasty hole in my arm as it was healing. I'm definately going to remember to dig it out that next night out on the town when I run out of coin... again.

(2) And shield! Nothrog blood does rather dull the shiny spikes, but if you hit them really hard with the hammer after perforating them with the shield spikes, you get this really cool effect where their blood jets out of the holes. I'm thinking of re-arranging the spikes to form a "D" for Durthen! Then I could get them to spray my name on walls as I whack my way to fame!

(3) She's really cute, okay?

(4) You see, the dwarven children were all shorter than me, so as much as they could make fun of me for other things it was always I who could reach the cookie jar. ha! This was a source of great amusent for me.... at least until I encountered my first incredibly large abyssal, one that dwarfed (hahaha) even me. After seeing that, and consulting with wise Rhigl, I started practicing this attack where I leap up in the air and bonk really large monsters smack in the head. Kinda like they had a cookie jar way up there out of reach. Suck it!

(5) Worst. Barrier. Ever. I think at one point a giant in plate armor actually used it to wipe his ass during battle. That's probably why all the nothrog jumped over it, to avoid giant poop stains. Note to self -- next time there's a barrier, ignore it and stand up against a building where you can't be flanked.

(6) And by god I mean a giant bear with a giant sword.

(7) I would love to see her fight a gelatinous cube of coconut oil. The kind that dissolves armor but leaves skin alone....

(8) Never pet a Warg -- with anything other than a reach weapon of course :)

(9) There was this strange old dwarf back where I grew up named Hoth-Tess Twinkie. He had this yellowed complexion and a love of marshmellows. We used to joke that if you squeezed him really hard he'd squirt a white filling out each end. He was still around when I left for the lands above -- rumor has it he'll never expire.

(10) On my coming of age birthday in the halls below, my adopted dwarven mother gave me an abyssal piniata with DR 5/good. I remember having soo much fun hitting it.. it was a shame when the priest of Moradin blessed the stick I was hitting it with so I could finally get to the candy inside.