The Humpty Dance

I'm just saying, if you've got a hottie vampire slave you probably have more than one reason to stay up late at night. That dead guy in bed had a grin from ear to ear (or was that his slit throat?).

Yeah, so this one was great. I love these guys. I've chilled with 'venturers before but these guys take the cake. I don't think they can take a shit without getting involved in some world wide super-evil plot to roughen toilet paper. Unbelievable.

I'm asleep, and our wizard -- nice chap named Oby-something who likes to rub his new staff in public, and yes that's kinda disturbing -- our wizard comes running around the keep all frazzled and screaming about a vivid nightmare. I am soo never having kids. Which is why I paid dearly for permanence on that spell "down there". Well... both spells, hehe.

So I wake up, and I'm all like "wtf, Oby?" and he's all like "Village, undead, elves, blah blah" and said it was a vision and that we had to do something about it. I hoped that something was sleep. It wasn't.

We decided to teleport over to the villiage the next day, so we finally did get to sleep. Oby needed a spell to go to sleep though -- probably "Greater Whiskey Bottle". But it turned out Oby couldn't get any new spells because of the disturbing dream, so we had to travel the old fashion way...on horses. Not even flying ones. Talk about lame. Not what I left the farm for, so to speak.

The whole trip Oby couldn't sleep, and we managed to not have any random encounters. Sweet. Unusual, but sweet.

We get to the villiage, it was all kinds of bust up. Erson (I wonder if he humps other animals while he's shifted. I wonder if camels can hump twice as much because of the, well, humps. I wonder if haste adds an extra hump and stacks with the racial humps? I wonder if a slow spell will work "down there" to make me last longer?) looked around and said the villiage was destroyed the first night Oby had a nightmare. Well, at least it wasn't a waste of time.

Luckily for us, a giant army of undead leaves a trail even I could follow. And I love following undead armies -- it's like whack-a-mole, they keep popping up after you hit them with your axe. So much fun!

We track the army for a while, finally catch up in the middle of some big woods. We're heading towards a big bone castle (hehe, "big bone", hehe) and we had to dispatch some fugly undead sentry birds. Too easy!

Inside the castle was another story! Maybe two stories, maybe three, it didn't look too tall from the outside but nobody builds a one-floor ranch castle these days. We met this totally hot vampire chick who asked if we had an appointment with her master. Before I could say "actually I was hoping for an appointment with you, a bottle of champagne, some strawberries, six pounds of jello and a head of romaine lettuce" somebody said no so she tried to kill us. Which is pretty normal for first dates in my experience -- I had high hopes until she turned out to have gas. That's always been a turn-off for me. Very unlady-like.

She was hard to hit, bouncing around like a hasted camel, but finally we dropped her -- which for vampires means "she turned into a cloud of gas". I guess all blondes are airheads, for true.

Chasing after her we ran across this dude who throws a bloody dagger at our feet and laughs. So, doing what I do best, I whack him in the face. Turns out he was all bad-ass, and disappeared only to re-appear and stab Oby in the back and kill him immediately. He says some warning about not interefering with his plans or he'll stop ignoring us, and then disappears again. And Oby gets up, all very much not dead at all.

I think we all contemplated killing Oby again, as people who don't stay dead usually deserve to. But, Illy gave him the thumbs up saying he didn't appear evil, and Oby had a great defense saying: "ooh, that tingles". Err, yeah. Death: The Final Tingle. Uh-huh.

In the next room was the dead dude, and a library. Nice bedroom, too, good coloring scheme. Gotta find out who decorated the place. We also found the coffin in a secret room. I immediately started stripping the Vamp hottie; and then realized the others were around so I .... told them it was for the armor. Yeah, loot.

I wonder if the library will have any clues. I really want to know more about camels.